stop loving someone

One of the hardest things
you'll ever have to do
is stop loving someone
because
they've stopped loving you.

getting worse

I just can't do this anymore. Go to class, get out of bed, act happy. And I was doing so good. I hadn't been this way for a while, but I knew it was coming, I could feel myself getting worse, and I couldn't stop it.

love is suffering

"Love
is suffering.

One side
always
loves more."

November 26, 2013

It’s Thanksgiving break for all my friends. I went to my high school to meet up with a friend from there. Except she neglected to tell me she was not coming. People always forget about me. My mom wasn’t coming for a few hours, and I didn’t want to wait in my old school, so I decided to walk home. In the cold rain. It gave me an hour to think.

            I got home mid-afternoon. I waited for my mom to pick me up so we could go to the train station together to pick up my brother. But she did not come. I later learned that she had a phone conference that ran late.

            My mom finally come home with my brother and I bounded down the stairs to greet him. I followed him up to his room, showing him my newly pierced ears and my pink streaks in my hair. But he did not listen.

            I drew back the rubber band around my wrist. It’s time to go to my room, shut the door, and play loud music.

worst/best

When someone
sees you at your worst
But
doesn't think you look your best,
that is NOT someone
worth keeping.

a novel

http://www.wattpad.com/30768176-a-novel?d=ud#!p=1

April 2012

Dear teacher,

I’m starting to see fire. Everything on flames. Roses in burning yellow, orange and red. I don’t know why I’m angry – maybe it has something to do with the fact that my best friend won’t support my bisexual identity, or maybe its because my brother thinks everything is about him and that I should have came out to him before my friends, or maybe its because everyone either assumes I’m straight or that I’m gay and that there is no in between, or maybe it is because society forces us to put a label on everything.

I started drawing again. My favorite pen is red. I draw girls with red hair across sweet faces, guys with red gashes across burly biceps, trees on fire. Then I started drawing words. Flamed words. At the top of the page I wrote: Bisexuality to Everyone Else. Then I wrote the flamed words all over the page: fluidity, questioning, versatile, slut, threesome, bi-curious, tramp, switch-hitter, mostly-straight, confused, experimenting, disloyal…At the bottom of the page I wrote in small capital letters: IDENTITY ≠ BEHAVIOR. On the next page I wrote in large firey red: Stop Judging Me and covered that with the judgments: ADHD, dreamer, follower, girl, loner, loser, introverted, quitter, little, short, lazy…

Best,

KBron

complicated

I'm sorry
I'm so
Complicated

November 25, 2013

Dear teacher,
I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've realized how much I enjoy learning when in the right atmosphere. And how I love hanging out with my friends and living in a dorm with everyone and that maybe I'll consider getting a double. And just how much college rocked. And I'm sad it didn't work out. Maybe college is my Romeo but I'm not it's Juliet. Wow I can't believe I just made a Romeo and Juliet reference! Anyway, it makes me wonder why I love things that don't work for me. Like why I love science. I mean I know why I love science - I wrote my college essay about that. But why would I be so passionate about something I'm bad at. I mean let's be honest - my grades in science in high school sucked! But my grades in English were consistently high - the lowest grade being a B+. Don't get me wrong, I do like English, but I love science. I love chemistry and physics and understand how things work and how particles have wave properties and light has particle properties and equations and problem solving and circuits...but I'm bad at it. I have been getting A's in physics in college but this is only a freshman course. I don't get it. It kind of sucks that I'm bad at what I love - maybe I should do what I'm better at and write novels or something.

I usually walk to Bethesda every morning which is when I do all this thinking. It's also the only way to get food down me - there's a convenient bagel shop on the way to the bookstore and I love (used to love) bagels. But now it's like the food just isn't appealing any more. I have no appetite. I don’t know whether that's because I'm depressed or because I haven't exercised since the cross country season ended. Either way, I need to set a limit - if I get back down to 105 lbs again then I'll make a point of telling my therapist I need to deal with this. But for now I'll just deal with all my other issues.

I almost forgot to tell you - I decided to quit self-harm! I don't know what happened but sometime between my last episode and finding out I couldn't go back to college this year - I just up and quit. Something got triggered in my head and I just made a decision: either let this control my life or realize that the consequences are too great. As someone once put it, “You only have two choices: you can either endure the pain, or curl up in a ball and die.” It hasn't made me feel any better, but I do feel more under control.
Best,
KBron 

Different/care

I
thought
you
were
different.
But it's like
you don't
even
care.

hurt/smile

She's the type of girl
that can be so hurt but
can still look at you
and smile.

Happier/sadder

because
nothing makes my happier
and nothing makes me sadder
than you.

fall in hard, fall out hard

I was thinking about something a friend told me: "fall in hard, fall out hard." and it just got me thinking - how right she is. If i can fall that hard, surely I can fall out just as hard. and its over with this guy, so what's the point in dwelling on something that's over. so I'm gonna pick myself up and not let him get me down.

rain falling hard

The rain falling
reminds me of you,
because it is falling hard
and I am too.

Good News/Bad News

The bad news -
nothing lasts forever.

The good news -
nothing lasts forever.

Forever or Forget

The way I see it,
I will love
you forever
or I will forget
all about you.

Both possibilities
are equally
terrifying.

Scars That Bleed (original)

I remember.
I recall details
I see the darkness
Touch the emptiness
Feel the pain
Flashbacks.

Delicately
I hold
Red memories
Flushing out.

I brush
my fingers
over the scars
Hardened
And solid.

I remember
I recall
I see
Touch
Feel
Break open the solid,
Red memories
Flushing out.

I remember.

keep walking

If you walk away,
And he doesn't chase after you,
Then keep walking.

giving/getting

Giving love
but getting
nothing back

Betrayal

You hurt me
With betrayal
Stop being disloyal.

Just don't give up on me
Because I'm practically
Your own family.

I know you need more
So furthermore
Just wait
And I will show you
That I can provide.

Just wait
Before
You hurt me
With betrayal.

You With Her Part 2

Crashing into you
We squeeze each other hard
You smile
I laugh.

A nudge from behind
You look
I look
Over your shoulder
And see her
Laughing.

All I need
Is hope
That you will
Look back at me.

I cut
Into red waters
Smiling hard.

You With Her

Falling to pieces
every time
I see
you
with her.
Fighting the tears
every time
you
sit next to
her.
I can't take it.
Love me
like
I love you.

a sad rainy day

I'm sad
and I'm tired
and the loneliness kills
and all i want is you.

It's a sad day,
a sad rainy day.

I want to cuddle up
and make it all
go away.

Just let me disappear.
Just let me disappear. 

Fallen

Broke my neck
and I'm fallen
all alone.

Count to ten
and I'm solo
crumbling down
the mountain.

Sand sweeps over me
and I'm hidden
where no one can find me
I'm so alone.

Shoes brush over me
they don't see me
I do nothing
In the end.

Sing a sad song

Sing a sad song
just to turn it around.
Every day
it will rain.
It kills
just to stand another day.
You had a bad day.
Tell me,
don't lie.
The camera shows no smile.
Give me
the truth.

I know.

In Love

I fell in love with the night,

the way you stagger towards bed

ready for sleep,

and the way you rubbed the bags under your eyes

when you didn’t bother

to pull the covers over your head.

That same night,

I fell in love

with the way you paused at the blackened tree

and the way your shoulders screamed with nervousness

and you pulled me close

for the first time.

You drank tea

five times a day,

warming your hands,

which held mine.

Swimming in your leather jacket,

I leaned against you

for warmth,

and you squeezed me hard.

Somewhere in between falling in love

with our midnight conversations

under white sheets and hushed tones,

and reading the love notes

you left at my bed stand,

I wasn’t sure.

I fell in love with your presence,

But am I in love with You?

Scars That Bleed

Fist

Tense

Collision

I see the red

Touch the pain

Feel the abuse

Flashbacks.

Boil

Suffocate

Hyperfocus

Tearing lungs

Cracking rib cage

Agony.

Delicately

I hold

Red clumps

Flushing out.

I brush

My fingers

Over the scars,

Hardened

And lumpy.

Bruise

Punch

Recoil

I see

Touch

Feel

Break open the solid,

Red memories

Flushing out.

I remember.