Dear teacher,
I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've realized how much I enjoy learning when in the right atmosphere. And how I love hanging out with my friends and living in a dorm with everyone and that maybe I'll consider getting a double. And just how much college rocked. And I'm sad it didn't work out. Maybe college is my Romeo but I'm not it's Juliet. Wow I can't believe I just made a Romeo and Juliet reference! Anyway, it makes me wonder why I love things that don't work for me. Like why I love science. I mean I know why I love science - I wrote my college essay about that. But why would I be so passionate about something I'm bad at. I mean let's be honest - my grades in science in high school sucked! But my grades in English were consistently high - the lowest grade being a B+. Don't get me wrong, I do like English, but I love science. I love chemistry and physics and understand how things work and how particles have wave properties and light has particle properties and equations and problem solving and circuits...but I'm bad at it. I have been getting A's in physics in college but this is only a freshman course. I don't get it. It kind of sucks that I'm bad at what I love - maybe I should do what I'm better at and write novels or something.
I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've realized how much I enjoy learning when in the right atmosphere. And how I love hanging out with my friends and living in a dorm with everyone and that maybe I'll consider getting a double. And just how much college rocked. And I'm sad it didn't work out. Maybe college is my Romeo but I'm not it's Juliet. Wow I can't believe I just made a Romeo and Juliet reference! Anyway, it makes me wonder why I love things that don't work for me. Like why I love science. I mean I know why I love science - I wrote my college essay about that. But why would I be so passionate about something I'm bad at. I mean let's be honest - my grades in science in high school sucked! But my grades in English were consistently high - the lowest grade being a B+. Don't get me wrong, I do like English, but I love science. I love chemistry and physics and understand how things work and how particles have wave properties and light has particle properties and equations and problem solving and circuits...but I'm bad at it. I have been getting A's in physics in college but this is only a freshman course. I don't get it. It kind of sucks that I'm bad at what I love - maybe I should do what I'm better at and write novels or something.
I usually walk to Bethesda every morning which
is when I do all this thinking. It's also the only way to get food down me -
there's a convenient bagel shop on the way to the bookstore and I love (used to
love) bagels. But now it's like the food just isn't appealing any more. I have
no appetite. I don’t know whether that's because I'm depressed or because I
haven't exercised since the cross country season ended. Either way, I need to
set a limit - if I get back down to 105 lbs again then I'll make a point of telling
my therapist I need to deal with this. But for now I'll just deal with all my
other issues.
I almost forgot to tell you
- I decided to quit self-harm! I don't know what happened but sometime between
my last episode and finding out I couldn't go back to college this year - I
just up and quit. Something got triggered in my head and I just made a
decision: either let this control my life or realize that the consequences are
too great. As someone once put it, “You only have two choices: you can either
endure the pain, or curl up in a ball and die.” It hasn't made me feel any
better, but I do feel more under control.Best,
KBron
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