When I look In the Mirror

When I look in the mirror, all I see are pretty eyes.
When I look in the mirror, all the rest is ugly.
I see everything I never wanted to be.

It started as a toddler,
with a white lie,
taking candy from the kitchen,
borrowing my brother’s book without permission…
and it grew in to the monster contaminating nearly every blood vessel.
I fear its reaching my toes, my finger tips.

When I look in the mirror,
I see a liar,
a stealer,
a cheat,
a fake.

Am I a brat too?
No, my mom is never right.

It grew into stealing money,
lying instinctively,
and sometimes
I fear I’ve hurt weak people too -
ones I’d always promised myself I’d stand up for.

But most of all,
the squeamish feeling
when I get too close to a girl
disgusted me both ways –
my own identity,
and the protector I’d always planned to be.

It all got so overwhelming all of a sudden.
I couldn’t keep it in.
I cried silent tears.
I wanted to call my brother,
but I couldn’t.
It hurts too much.